~Grinning Beginnings~

START OF TW: Mental Health, Bipolar, Death, Trauma, CPTSD ✨
Scroll down if you want to skip all that jazz and read about music instead.

I like my retro font but for long blog posts like this it's a little distracting. I think we'll go with good ol' Georgia for this one.

I know it's not really spring yet. I know the sky is going to open up any day now and dump a metric fuck-ton of snow on us any day now... but I'm sure enjoying this 70 degree weather while we have it.

By spending most of it inside. ;D

I went out for a walk yesterday and everything was peaches and cream. Birds were singing, families were out walking about. One of them was crossing the street and fumbled in the crosswalk. They were perfectly safe, no one was going to run them over or anything, but my brain immediately started thinking about how quickly anyone would be able to get to them to help if they were hit. You know, one of those anxious intrusive thoughts.

Aaaaand somehow that got me thinking about the events of the past several months here in the Twin Cities.

That's all it took to get my heart beating out of my chest and sending me into a panic attack on the sidewalk. Thankfully I was close to home so I was able to easily make it back and drink some water... but it's left me very fucking frustrated.

My "window of tolerance", so to speak, has been microscopic lately. A recent death in my family triggered some trauma from a couple years back and gave me my first, identifiable emotional flashback. All in all I think I handled it okay (in no small part thanks to my friends) but that feeling of utter lack of control over myself was genuinely terrifying and threw me for quite a loop... and that's from someone with bipolar disorder.

Trying not to compare my trauma to that of others is, as always, difficult. I think about the people who have been through much worse than I have but are able to walk around and face public, stressful and emotional situations without feeling like they're going to die. I really admire those people. I envy them too. I never thought I could feel so fragile.

END OF TW!

On the bright side, I think I am coming out of my recent funk a bit. I've been cleaning around the house, re-arranging my bedroom for the first time in years to suit this new life of a bachelorette I find myself in. It's looking less and less like a storage closet with a bed!

Having just watched the new documentary on Hillel Slovak (the late OG guitarist of the Red Hot Chili Peppers) and finally listening to the new Gorillaz album "The Mountain" (it's fantastic, it's weird, it's about death! go listen to it!) I find that my annual Feb-March craving for exploring new music and creating it in return has finally shown its face after being delayed by extenuating circumstances.

I've always wondered why this intense obsession with music always comes around at the same time every year. I assume it's something to do with the long, dreary winter of Minnesota. Lack of sunlight, lack of stimulation... music is an easy fix? I dunno. But it's been a thing for over a decade now.

I should be working on Noa Somnia (yes, I know, you wouldn't even know what that is yet because I haven't put up the dev log yet, SORRY) but isn't that just in my nature? Why work on the project that needs the most work when you can make some beeps and boops and write another song? With any luck this time I'll just be able to channel that creative energy into the NoSo OST so that I'm still making progress.

I think the best thing is to just allow myself to have fun and take this inspiration wherever it wants to take me. I'm finding that to be the best thing about being single - not to say my ex suppressed my creative endeavors - but I find myself more willing to run with any wild idea I come up with and make an absolute mess of the place in doing so.

Spend all day roughing out level designs with Lego? Sure, why not?

Spread out on the floor with my Microfreak, guitar and some bourbon and just fuck around while my cats try to get in my way? Yeah, alright!

Literally nothing is going to happen until I make it happen, so I might as well do it however I want.

Anyway, I'm rambling. I'm allowed to. This is where I ramble.

Peace.

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